If You Changed Your Relationship Shopping List, Might You Find What You’ve Been Looking for?

September 30, 2013

What kind of a relationship are you looking for? Have you actually thought about it, or are you assuming that when it does turn up it will morph magically into exactly what you desire, without your ever having to think about it?

You might want to think again.

One of the biggest traps people seeking relationships fall into is not knowing what they would like in relationships, says Gary Douglas, best-selling author and founder of Access Consciousness®.

“We tend to buy this reality’s point of view about relationships, which is that you ride off into the sunset towards your picket fence and your 2.2 kids and live happily ever after, only they never show the ‘ever after,’ let alone someone living happily ever after,” says Douglas.

“I have been accused of hating relationships, but I don’t,” he says. “I hate bad relationships. If you’re going to have a relationship, go for it, but make it a good one.” In the 70,000 people he has contact with in a year, he estimates he knows about 10 couples who have relationships which meet his criteria of being good ones. “That’s not a very good stat,” he admits.

Douglas is also quite fond of “stirring the pot,” saying controversial statements to provoke people into looking at what they really would like. He often asks people if they really desire a relationship, because so many people who say that’s what they’re looking for don’t really desire to have a relationship.

He has a way of ferreting out the truth when questioning people about whether they truly desire a relationship. It’s an Access Consciousness® tool that’s useful in relationships of all kinds. He says “Truth,” either out loud or silently, before he asks the question. Doing so guarantees that the person answering will either tell you the truth even if they wouldn’t have admitted it otherwise, or it will be obvious to everyone in the room that they’re lying.

Douglas is not pro or con relationships; he has noticed in 25 years of working with individuals, couples, and groups world-wide that you have a much better chance of finding what you’re looking for if you actually are clear what you’re looking for.

Another way Douglas loves to stir the pot is to suggest that many women who think they are looking for a relationship would actually be better off with two or three or four of them. “You could use one guy to go to the opera and formal occasions with; another one for family events and barbecues; and another for hanging around watching TV with; and you can have sex with all of them.”

As you might suspect, Douglas’s definition of a good relationship has nothing to do with the movie version. He has a few simple things you should look for:

  1. Are they good in bed?
  2. Do they contribute money?
  3. Do they let you do whatever you want to do, and you let them do whatever they want to do?

Is there something from your dream guy or gal list that’s missing from his list?

“Everything else is a bonus,” Douglas says.

Douglas’s pragmatic list can have some surprising applications. He was speaking with a woman who was unhappy in her arranged marriage.

“Is he kind?” Douglas asked her.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Does he give you money?” he asked.


“Does he let you do what you want to do?” Douglas continued.


“Then what’s the problem?” Douglas asked.

“It was arranged!” replied the woman.

“So what?” demanded Douglas, in yet another example of his unique points of view on relationships.

Just as a marriage initially based love, attraction, and chemistry can turn out to be disastrous, from Douglas’s point of view; one that is arranged is not necessarily disempowering or unsuccessful. His criteria for success in relationship is not based on how it looks to others, but on how it works for the people in it.

Might introducing more of Douglas’s controversial points of view into your relationships not only spice them up but also make them better?

You can explore exactly what he knows about creating relationships in his books “Sex is not a four letter word, but Relationship often times is” and “Divorceless Relationships“.



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