Women think that if they have sex with someone, they’ll get the relationship they’re looking for.
Gary Douglas, best-selling author and founder of Access Consciousness®, light heartedly points out the differences between men and women at nearly every seminar he conducts worldwide. His aim is not to get either sex to give up their point of view or their own value in favor of the other. His aim is to facilitate people in creating what he calls a Divorceless Relationship, which is also the title of his latest book.
Rather than one of the sexes, giving up or divorcing parts of themselves to satisfy the other, Douglas proposes both sexes should acknowledge the differences and create relationships in which each of them gets what they desire.
“The differences between men and women come from how they were raised,” according to Douglas.
Men were taught to “show mommy you love her by taking out the trash.” Because of this early training, men’s nature is to show a woman they love her by doing things and fixing things.
How could a woman handle this? Douglas suggests something he learned from watching a southern woman manipulate her tough ex-military husband. She would come up behind him and put her arms around him and say, “Lover, would you do this for me?”
Her tough husband’s voice would drop an octave and he’d agree to do anything she asked.
“Men need to know what their job is,” Douglas has observed. “If you tell him his job is to be your lover, he’ll know exactly what to do!”
Little girls, on the other hand, had the experience of sitting on daddy’s lap and being told everything would be okay. So men who would like to provide what their wives would like could say, “Darling, I’m so grateful for you in my life. My life would be nothing without you. Don’t worry, everything’s going to be fine.” This is comforting to women because as little girls they learned from their fathers that what’s supposed to happen in a relationship is, “Everything’s going to be OK. Don’t you worry.”
What about that ideal that tops many women’s wish lists—finding a man that they can share their feelings with?
“Forget about it,” laughs Douglas. “If you have to share your feelings, get a girl friend!” Many men these days expect to share feelings with a woman, but that’s only because woman have trained them to. “If you have to train your partner, your relationship’s already over even though you might not know it,” says Douglas. “A man is not a dog.”
“If you must share your feelings, get a girlfriend. If you want a stallion in the bedroom, don’t turn him into a gelding in the kitchen by forcing him to listen to your feelings.”
What about women’s assertion that all men want is sex? “It’s pretty much true,” admits Douglas. “Men are simple creatures. We’re not too smart. All a woman has to do is show up with cleavage and our brains go south.”
What if instead of making this into something wrong, women could be in allowance of it and learn to use it to their advantage? “Women have everything they need to manipulate any man,” says Douglas. “Why don’t they use it to get whatever they want in relationships?”
Seminar participants are often shocked by Douglas’s assertions. “Oh, the women! The women were so disappointed,” said one (female) workshop participant when she heard Douglas’s take on what’s really going on in relationships.
The thing is, his approach seems to actually work. When he surveys couples at his seminars to find out if they’ve used his approach, they say they have. When he asks if either of them recognizes when the other is manipulating them, they say, “Of course!” When he asks if they’d go back to other ways of being, they say, “No way!”
The woman who was initially so disappointed to hear Douglas’s views on relationships has now found a caring and wealthy man who loves her and her two teenage children, using tools and information obtained through Access Consciousness® seminars.
Now a new report by the British Men’s Health Forum has confirmed what Douglas is saying, based on interviews with counselors in several British cities.
Researchers noted women are looking for a “greater level of communication and understanding and use the sessions as a chance to review the health of their partnership.”
“Women generally want to get underneath and find out ‘Okay, why did that happen?’ What was going on for that to happen?” before they can move on.
They like to share their feelings, it’s what women do and it’s not wrong.
“Men are more likely to see the session as an opportunity to ‘problem-solve’ and seek a check list of things they need to do to get their relationship back on track.”
Another counselor noted, “A man’s approach tends to be, ‘What are we going to do about it? I need a list. Tell me what to do.’ In other words, how can they fix it?”
Counselors in the study also confirmed the primacy of sex for men. “I think if you want to get more men through the door (for counseling), you just have to say, ‘Come for counseling and you’ll have more sex!”
Counselors are also calling to redress the balance between men and women in our points of view on relationships. “Health and social workers should tailor relationship support in a ‘male-friendly manner,’ concluded the report.
Several books, Divorceless Relationship and Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word But Relationship Often Times Is, as well as numerous recorded and live classes on relationships are available from the http://accessconsciousness.com website. Many of these concepts are covered in Access Core Classes, Foundation and Level 1, offered by some 200 facilitators worldwide. These classes are listed on the website under “Find a Class.”