What Douglas and Heer have found is that less pressure in touch used during foreplay can actually create much more satisfying sex than is possible without it. Far from more pressure and speed being more exciting, what they have found exciting is touching that’s lighter, lighter, lighter in pressure and slower, slower, slower in speed.
Sometimes touching that’s not even touching of the physical body at all but appearing to stroke the air just above the skin can be the most exciting of all. You can easily try this on yourself. Stroke your own arm with the pressure you’re used to using while having sex. Now stroke it again using the lightest pressure you can possibly imagine without going off of the skin altogether. Now go lighter than that. Now imagine what could be possible if you did that to the entire body. What would it be like to start at your partner’s toes and work your way up slowly?
Another way that less can be more in sex is the other aspects of sexualness—the caring, healing, nurturing, expansive, creative aspects of touching another person’s body—which come into play more dynamically when less force, pressure and speed are involved.
Using a lighter pressure and less speed in sex has an additional benefit of making sure your partner stays fully present during sex. Have you noticed how often your partners have “left” while having sex? Many people do leave, sometimes watching from the ceiling while not being in their bodies at all.
When Douglas asked one woman who was in her body when she was having sex, since she clearly wasn’t, she replied, “Any entity that wants it!”
Having sex with someone who’s left their body already is about as exciting and pleasurable as “making love to a dead body,” says Douglas. Using that light touch is a great way he’s found to keep escape artist lovers present.
An additional way that having less sex could actually create more satisfaction is if you were to eliminate “notch on the bedpost” sex. This is the kind of sex done not for the joy and playfulness of it, but for the proving of how cool you are, how sexy you are, or some other reason. It is using sex as a distractor implant. A distractor implant has only one purpose: to keep you from having you. It will keep you busy endlessly without your ever being able to solve it or get out of it.
Sex as a distractor implant is the kind of sex at least one third of the population is engaging in, according to the website NOOkist. It has 20,000 members who record each sexual encounter in “forensic detail—from the length of the session and whether you had an orgasm, to the positions tried and how hot your partner was.” Does any of this have anything to do with sex as caring, nurturing, creative or healing? Would you really mind giving up that sex-as-notch-on-bedpost activity? Do you suppose having less of that would mean more would be possible in terms of caring and pleasure for you and your body?
Another way that less can be more in sex is by putting less significance on copulation. Anything that we place significance on is an area of our lives where we can never be free. Significance means we make that topic or area greater than us. How often have you done that with a relationship, sex, or the person you hope to have sex or a relationship with? How well has it worked?
One of Douglas and Heer’s more controversial points of view is that sex and relationships should be less significant. “What if sex were as casual and significant as shaking hands or playing frisbee?” they ask. “Would you get upset if your frisbee partner looked at someone else?” When we can get to a place where we have far less significance on sex, we might actually have more enjoyable sex and ease with all aspects of sex, they assert. What would it take for that to occur? Would you be willing to have it?
You can find out more about the ideas presented here and much much more in the advanced class on sex and relationships Douglas and Heer are presenting in Houston June 21-24. This class will be available in real-time and later, worldwide, via the Internet. Foundation and Level 1 are pre-requisites to participate.