Grief has been defined as ‘Pain of mind, in account of something in the past.’ How many of us are actually grieving without even realizing it ?
How much is part or all of us being pulled back into the past (whether that is yesterday or last year), by traumatic events, loss of someone or something, unfinished relationships, resentments, regrets, romantic illusions and nostalgia, all clogging up and fogging our ability to be living here and now?
How often do we feel like a part of us has disappeared in those memories? Or do we hold onto those memories because we are afraid if we let go of them we may forget and then feel guilty about it? Is any of this being a kindness to us?
A lot of people suffer from grief because they make a lot of assumptions about grief and what they should or shouldn’t do. What if grief is just energy? Could that be a gift of lightness and ease? How much of your true self are you suppressing to stay in those thoughts, feelings and emotions of grief so that you can maintain the heaviness and significance that everyone expects of you? What if you could see grief from a space of allowance, question and possibility?
How many conclusions have we made about what grief is? What choices and decisions have we made with grief? Are the ideas below familiar to you?
“Don’t let anyone in… have the shields up… bury yourself… check out and exit your life… fight with everyone around you as that is the only way you can get ahead! Be absolutely crushed by it – there is no other choice! Believe that something is really wrong with you… try to make something right when it is wrong… ‘This keeps happening – is there something I am doing wrong?’”
Are these all the ways that we keep pulling ourselves back into choosing grief and the past? Is any of this actually being kind and nurturing to you, or is it about gathering more evidence to keep you in the wrongness of you from everyone’s point of view (including yours!)?
What can grief create you as? Is it a series of justifications and identities? A constant struggle? Always hiding and not ever being you? Feeling lost and not knowing who you are? Do you have to feel it to experience it? What if you could be willing to change all that holds all of this in existence?
What questions could you be asking that could allow for more possibilities for you? We live in a society that is involved in relationships of all kinds all the time. The one relationship we seem to have missed is our relationship with our inner being.
As we put up our shields to everyone else, are we also shutting out our true self? What if you could let the barriers down and be willing to have trust, honour, vulnerability, allowance and gratitude for you? If you are not choosing this for you, are you then not always looking for it in somebody else?
When we lose someone we love, we are surrounded by people who are also feeling that loss. Over time our society has built up a set of expectations around grief… how we react, what we should feel emotionally and physically, and how this is played out in daily life. What’s interesting is that some cultures see death as a celebration of living… but not us!
What if much of the emotion and feeling around grief does not have to be what we thought? If you could talk to the person you have lost, would they really want you to suffer after they have gone? What if you could have those memories, have those times of sadness, allow those tears to fall and, at the same time, be willing to live in the present and ask a question? “What can I choose now? What would it take to be willing to be the rock in the stream, to allow the tears to wash by and not be washed away with the tears and sadness?”
When you listen to people talking about grief, do they create it as very significant and heavy? Does it weight on you like a ton of bricks? Is that what you wish to create for yourself? What if you could create a totally different reality? Your reality?
Every time you feel some consideration, idea, belief, decision or attitude about grief, do you feel where it hits in your body? Can you feel the weight of it? When something is heavy, it is because it has been made significant and solid. When you create this solidity in your own world it actually creates a physical dis-ability!!
For many years I lost a lot of myself and went into a lot of wrongness of me. After being raped at a very young age I decided that the best way to live was to not be seen. And if I hid enough behind my walls nobody could hurt me and I could keep separate from everyone. That way no one will see me, and I’ll continue to conform to all of what I should be, not what I truly could be.
It was not one of my best choices and interestingly enough, the only person I was hurting was myself, by not willing to be present with me and the vulnerability with myself. Vulnerability with self is never putting up a barrier to everything you are and seeing the good, bad and ugly of you.
I realized I had spent a lot of my life trying to prove how good I was while beating myself up to show how bad I am to myself. Cute but not bright! That has now changed, with the choices and demands I put on myself. I am so grateful for the tools, processes and information from Access Consciousness® which is all about empowering you to be more of you! Funny that empowering me to be more of me by having no barriers have made my choices of being willing to be seen and live so much easier.
I realize now that grief is a area that a lot of people don’t like to talk about because it is seen as sad, heavy and so significant in this reality. To me it was like, ‘What if we could see grief from a space of allowance, question, and possibility? If grief was a gift, what choices could it offer you and what changes could those choices bring?’
I have lost a lot of things and people in my life… My money, my sister, my mother, my father, my best friend and more. I cared for them and was in allowance of their choices. I was with each of them as they passed away. Each one dealt with their process differently.
For me the grief that we have been told to believe in doesn’t exist. I trusted and was grateful enough for myself to know what an honour it was to have known them as long as I did.
Did I want to be the rock in the stream that would be washed away with all thoughts feelings and emotions and be sad and depressed? Or did I allow the tears, and still choose to have the joy and happiness of living? Each time someone has passed or moved away it has inspired me to new possibilities and questions of ‘What can I now contribute to myself and others that I have never been willing to before now? Their gift to me was showing me how precious living is and what else is possible ?
Wendy Mulder is an Access Consciousness facilitator in Brisbane, Australia. You can contact Wendy at her facilitator page.
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