As your dating and partnering efforts fail to turn out as you’d like, do you find yourself pushing harder to make them work?

You may be going in exactly the wrong direction, observes Gary Douglas, author of the newly released Divorceless Relationship, best-selling author, and founder of Access Consciousness™.

“Most men push energy at women to try to get them to go out with them or have sex with them,” he says. “It’s the energy of ‘You want me, you want me, you want me’.”

“Women get lots of that,” Douglas continues. “Their response is pretty much, ‘No thank you!’” Men may have noticed this.

Fortunately the ever-pragmatic Douglas has some advice and tools that actually do work. Like many of his tools, they are counter-intuitive and effective at the same time.

Instead of pushing energy at women, Douglas recommends pulling energy from the person you wish to attract. This will have the effect of inspiring them to notice and ask a question, such as, “What’s different about you?”

Contrary to what we might think when we push energy at someone to make them attractive to us, it is actually pulling energy that is what people call attraction.

“Most men think that women are pushing energy at them when they are attracted to them, but that is not what is occurring. When you are attracted to a woman, it’s because she is pulling energy from you.”

When you do the opposite, or pushing energy, it tells people you are attracted to them. “When someone pushes energy at you, it’s intimidating and you feel like you need to withdraw from them. When you push energy at someone, they are often repulsed by you, because it feels way too forceful. It is like a battering ram. You think you are not being attractive enough so you push harder and wonder why the person doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

So how do you do this pulling and pushing of energy? The first thing you need to know is it’s much easier than it sounds! You just ask energy to flow in that direction. It’s easier and less work than visualizing.

An exercise Gary Douglas recommends to build up your energy pulling and pushing muscle is to go to your local coffee shop and stand in the back near the door. Ask energy to pull from everyone in the coffee shop towards you until everyone in the coffee shop turns around. Don’t worry, they won’t all turn around at once and embarrass you. They’ll turn around one at a time, Congratulations, that’s an indication you’re on your way to attracting that special someone you’ve been looking for! Often the children will be first to turn. Everyone who turns will know on some level you’re doing something, even if they aren’t aware that they know. When they do turn around, just smile and keep pulling.

Another key to this exercise is that the energy doesn’t have to stop and start with you. When you pull energy, you pull it from way beyond the person you’re pulling from, into you, and on through and beyond you.

Douglas says it’s really easy to change these energetic flows. “It’s just a choice you make. You say, ‘Instead of pushing, I’m going to pull.’

“If you do that all the time, it creates a place where people notice you and feel drawn to you, a sense of mystery because people can’t be quite sure where you are or what you are going to do next.”

What about sexual attraction? Using energy to attract is not the same thing as sexual attraction. “The truth is that as long as you are breathing you will be sexually attracted to some,” Douglas notes. “If you are a man there will not be a woman you are not sexually attracted to.”

He has a caveat or two. “The lie is that you have to do something about it when you find somebody sexually attractive.”

He recommends a different approach. “Ask your body who it’s attracted to, because your body is the one that has sex, not you. You, the being, stand outside and watch it happen. Your body is the one that gets to have all the sex.”

If you’d like to give your body the gift of all that sex, you might wish to try Gary Douglas’s tips on pulling energy. How much fun could you have?

You can find teleclasses available worldwide on relationships for both women and men. Salon de Femmes is for women only, while the Gentleman’s Club is for men only. You can purchase the series appropriate for you on Access Consciousness Shop.