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Intimacy

How Many Words Do We Need for Sex?

November 01, 2010

The way we speak and think about things determines the reality we create, so it behooves us to choose our words with total awareness if we wish to see what we’d really like showing up. Nowhere is this more apparent than on the subject of sex, starting with the very word “sex.”

Gary Douglas, founder of Access Consciousness, and Dr. Dain Heer, his business partner and co-author of the book, Sex Is Not A Four-Letter Word But Relationship Often Times Is, propose using six different words to describe different aspects of sex as one way to achieve better clarity and communication on this difficult subject.

The six words Douglas and Heer use to describe what is usually lumped together as “sex” or “sexuality” include: sensualness, sexualness, sex, sexuality, copulation, and orgasm.

The use of these words can enhance our communication on the subject of sex, provided we understand the definitions of each of them. In Douglas and Heer’s lexicon, each of them has a meaning which sheds light on the many different aspects of what we usually call sex, that can clarify what we are actually trying to talk about.

Sensualness refers to the body’s experience of touching and being touched.

Sexualness is the nurturing, healing, caring, creative, joyful, orgasmic, expansive energy of life itself.

Sex as Douglas and Heer’s refers to it means “looking good, feeling good, and strutting your stuff.” It’s the sense of joy at being in a body and feeling good in oneself, independent of any relationship to anyone else or lack thereof.

Sexuality refers to one’s sexual definition of oneself—as a straight woman, a gay man, etc. It always includes judgment because it is a definition and limitation of who one will and will not receive the flow of sexual energy, or any energy from.

Copulation refers to putting the body parts together in any combination.

Orgasm is the expression of the energy of the joy of living. It is the energy of total presence, total awareness, total sensation, no matter what you’re doing.

How might using these different words to describe our experiences create a difference in our relationships?

It could create great freedom, for example, by acknowledging that copulation is just one aspect of the spectrum of sexual being and behaviors. A husband flirting with an attractive younger woman can be an expression of sexualness that could enhance his marriage, for example. By separating the aspects of sexualness and using them precisely, more clarity is possible. The assumption that any expression of the sexualness that is the energy of life itself automatically leads to copulation because the same one word, “sex,” is used to describe both, no longer needs to be made.

We could begin to look at how defining ourselves by a sexuality gives us information about who or what we are not willing to receive from, thus limiting every area of our life. Just because we are willing to receive an energy, does not mean we have to do anything about it. If we did not have to define and judge ourselves or anyone, what else might become possible? At the very least, more of what we have been asking for in life can begin to show up. When you are willing to receive energies from everyone and everything it opens up what the universe can deliver because what you asked for can now come from anywhere, without any limitations.

If, thanks to these definitions, we could become clear that the energy of sexualness is the energy of life itself that nurtures our body, keeps it young, allows for us to have the joy of being in a body, do we really wish to cut off our receiving of that from any source? If sexuality is just an expression of our preference for body parts to copulate with, is it still necessary to cut off all sexual energy from people who do not share your exact preferences?

How happy would our bodies be if we could finally, finally, finally, separate out sensualness, the simple nurturing caring touch that our bodies actually require for living joyfully, from the act of copulation? It could clarify for people what they are actually asking for. Might that possibly end some of the lack of clarity that leads to people feeling they have been rejected or taken advantage of sexually?

If we could get clear on the concept that looking good, feeling good, and strutting our stuff, which Douglas and Heer define as “sex,” is not dependent on being in or out of relationship, how much freedom to choose to be in a relationship or not could occur? Wouldn’t that represent a contrast from the current state in which everyone not in a relationship is branded as a loser?

Clarifying exactly what we mean when discussing this essential element of human experience could go a long way in shifting the reality on the subject of sex, which is the source of so much confusion and unhappiness for so many.

A great next step, according to Douglas and Heer, would be to take the significance off of copulation. “Once we can look at having sex as no more significant than shaking hands, or as just another physical activity we engage in, no more important than playing frisbee, then we will truly begin to be free in this area,” asserts Douglas. Having it be from the joy of it and as an ongoing choice, rather than a forgone conclusion can assist the process of changing it for you. Be you single, dating or engaged, married for years or anything else, whatever your preference and whatever you are looking for – what would it be like to choose all of it for the joy of it rather than defining everything you are and can be can achieve?

Significance, as Douglas refers to it, is the process of making any area of our lives greater than our own awareness. Sex is one area that we tend to make significant, as is whether we are in a relationship or not. The catch-22 is that whenever we make an area of our lives significant, we turn it into a problem on which we cannot get clear. The more significance we attach to any area, the more we will work on it to “solve it,” and the deeper we will dig ourselves into the black hole of our own conundrums.

What’s the way out of this trap? One way is to look at the whole area from a different point of view, or many different points of view. A simple way to do this is to ask a question. What else is possible (in the area of relationships or sex, for example)?

Another way out of this trap of limitation is to consider anything you believe to be true to be nothing more than just an interesting point of view—not right, not wrong, not good, not bad, not correct, not incorrect, not true, not false, but just one way of looking at things.

One commonly held societal belief that could definitely use a fresh look is the widespread assumption that we are destined to go through life like the animals on Noah’s ark, two by two, and that we are failures if we do not achieve and maintain the sacred status of “coupledom.” This belief so permeates our culture that most people not in relationship see themselves as desperately seeking one, no matter whether they’d really like to share their life 24/7 with another human being or not.

All manner of relationships other than marriage or marriage-in-all-but name become possible when we ask the question, “what else is possible?” A lover in a distant city might be a better choice for someone who loves to travel and doesn’t wish someone to be underfoot for her daily life. A series or collection of lovers might be a better choice than marriage for someone who endlessly craves variety but would like companionship for various casual and dressy affairs. Having several different companions takes the pressure to be everything-in-one-person from the partner, and also makes it easier to find “the ones” you might be looking for. And no relationship at all might be the choice of choice for someone who values their alone time above all.

Is your relationship and your sex life working for you? If it’s not, what would it take for you to consider a new and different point of view?

Gary Douglas and Dr. Dain Heer of Access Consciousness teach seminars and teleclasses which expand on these concepts of clarity regarding sex and relationships all over the world. For more information about classes with them and others, as well as copies of Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word But Relationships Often Times Is and videos replays of some introductory classes, check out their website, www.accessconsciousness.com and www.accessconsciousness.tv

Douglas is also the author of a newly released novel, the Place, which illustrates what sex and relationship might be like if the concepts discussed in this article were being used. You can download a reading of the first chapter of this novel at Gary’s website, www.garymdouglas.com. Additional information about Dr. Heer is available at his site, www.drdainheer.com

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