Guest Blog Post by Dr. Dain Heer
Do you ever notice that when relationships start out, everything is amazing? Your partner is amazing. The time you spend together is amazing. Everything is fun, spacious, joyful, easy, and then… things start to change. That “perfect” person is no longer acting perfect. You start to judge them for what they are doing or not doing. And, you also start to judge you. Gratitude gets lost and you begin to create a wall of judgments.
What if there was an entirely different possibility available? What if nurture, care and more joy could be your reality? And, what if your relationships could actually contribute to having and being that?
Whatever is happening in your relationship right now, these tools can create a new possibility for you and your partner!
1. Recognize that Judgment is a Killer
Today’s expectations become tomorrow’s judgment. Did you catch that? All of the expectations that you have of you, of your partner and of your relationship, will turn into the things that you judge, and those judgments will kill your relationship.
Recognize that you are in a relationship because you really care about this person and be willing to lose the expectations. One powerful tool that you can use to let go of the expectations is “Interesting Point of View.” Here’s how it works. Every time you notice an expectation of you or your partner, say, “Interesting point of view, I have that point of view.”
Here’s an example. Let’s say you walk into the bathroom and the toilet seat is up. You start to think, “Why can’t he put the toilet seat down? What’s so hard about that? I’ve asked a million times. I shouldn’t have to ask again!” Stop yourself and say, “Interesting point of view. I have that point of view.” Keep saying it until this really important thing that your partner should or shouldn’t be doing is now just your interesting point of view.
2. Choose a Pragmatic Solution
Most of us have not been taught that it’s actually ok to do what works for us in relationship. We are taught that there is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. Where’s the choice in that? There is none!
My friend Gary Douglas, who’s also the founder of Access Consciousness®, tells a story about a toothpaste tube. Gary likes to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom. His wife, however, liked to squeeze it in the middle. After 16 years of irritation over the toothpaste tube, he had an epiphany. Oh! We could have 2 tubes of toothpaste.
What if you could stop looking at relationship from right and wrong and start to ask. “What’s the most pragmatic solution I can have here?” You might just find choices and solutions you never knew existed!
3. Start a Gratitude Journal
When we get upset with our partner, often over little things, those things build up and we start to create a wall of judgment. Choosing gratitude for your partner is an anecdote that will break down that wall.
Start a gratitude journal and every day write down at least one thing that you are thankful for about your partner. As you build gratitude, judgment will cease to be the determining factor in your relationship.
Judgment is a relationship killer. Practicing gratitude eliminates judgment. Add to that, the willingness to choose pragmatic solutions and you will find that your relationship contributes to you being more of you. And, you may have heard me mention, being more of the beauty and brilliance of you actually does change the world!