Have you ever had someone tell you that they only criticize you so that you will know what to change? What has that been like for you? Does it give you a sense of warmth and encouragement or does it make you want to run and hide or say something truly nasty back at them? While some people who say things like that are just plain mean, what others are actually doing is mistaking judgment for something that will create.
Judgment never creates! Perhaps that is worth saying again: Judgment never creates! Judgment is always destructive. It contracts any situation and causes people to shut down.
“Judgment never creates! Judgment is always destructive.”
The idea that judgment creates shows up in families, schools, religions, with corporations – pretty much anywhere you have people living or working together.
Did you ever get a school term paper back with red all over it telling you everything you did wrong? Did that motivate you? What if your teacher had asked questions instead of judged? Might that have created a very different result? What if your boss asked you questions or praised you for what you did do well, and solicited your input about your performance rather than criticizing you? What might that create? What if we all asked our children questions instead of going to automatic judgment?
“Did you ever get a school term paper back with red all over it telling you everything you did wrong? Did that motivate you?”
The tendency to judge shows up everywhere. A friend was on a plane that had been delayed, was not well stocked and was having air conditioning problems. Everyone was telling the stewardesses about these problems and heaping on the blame. Did they think they didn’t know? It created such a negative, contracted energy that the friend ended up putting in her ear-buds to listen to Access classes while repeating over and over again: “All Of Life Comes To Me With Ease And Joy And Glory”.
Even positive judgment can be destructive. There was an article in a recent New York Times magazine that looked at how over praising children was very detrimental to the kids. Instead of building self esteem, it created such a lie and set the barrier so high that it actually increased the stress levels for everyone!
This does not mean that you cannot acknowledge someone for their talents, and also say when something doesn’t work for you, or ask questions like “OK – you chose to do this____. What did that create? Is that what you would like to create? What other choices do you have?” One of the great things about the Access Consciousness tool, “I’m sorry this doesn’t work for me,” is that it’s not about making the other person or their behavior wrong. It’s about saying what is true for you. Instead of making a particular behavior “wrong” you’re saying that it’s not compatible with what works for you.
“What if you gave up judgment as your primary source of motivation? What would that create for you?”
Consider the parent who says: “Your room is a filthy disgusting mess! What a slob you are! When are you going to clean this up?” Versus, “It really doesn’t work for me or the family for you to have spoiled food and piles of dirty clothes around. It invites bugs and mold in, which affects us all. Would you talk with me about what a good solution for all would be?”
If that more idealistic response doesn’t do the trick, you can escalate things a bit with: “A clean room will get you _____amount of money as well as the chance to enjoy your weekend with your friends. A messy room will get you the chance to stay in it all weekend. What would you like to choose?”
“The point is not to make others wrong and bad but to give them choice, and a way to look at their behavior without shame or guilt, which are both induced by judgment.”
The point is not to make others wrong and bad but to give them choice, and a way to look at their behavior without shame or guilt, which are both induced by judgment. The same holds true for how you treat yourself.
What if you gave up judgment as your primary source of motivation? What would that create for you? Do you honestly believe that you wouldn’t do anything if you weren’t judging yourself harshly? Suppose you did something that was not in alignment with what you would like to create as your life. Perhaps you drank too much at a party, or did a sloppy job on a project. Does berating yourself actually help you to choose differently? Probably not! What if you said to yourself: “That was not my best choice – it certainly didn’t create what I would like to create as my life and living.” What other choices can I make now?
What if you took judgment out of the equation of working or living with yourself and others? What ease could that create for you and all those you come in contact with?
If you are interested in more tools you can use with the children in your life you can visit these Access related sites
Access Possibilities School- Access Consciousness is beginning an online school using the tools of Access in an online learning environment with the target of empowering kids so kids can learn how to learn for the fun of learning.
Conscious Parents Conscious Kids– Resources and classes on parenting that acknowledge that the only expert on you is you. The only expert on you parenting your kids is you. And even as the expert in your own life, sometimes it’s great to have a few more tools to make parenting easier.
Other blog posts on parenting